Bloody "cyclists" eh! Menace to society the bloody lot of them! Join me in hating on them together by reading this here article below thank you:
Why don't the "cyclists" just go on the roads??! They were so much quieter for like a whole two weeks! I mean, there are still obviously some, well quite a lot actually, of cars on the roads, that go way way way faster than bikes and can cause a lot of damage to someone on a bike, but I don't see why they can't just go on the roads anyway - I mean it's not like they have anywhere else to go! And another thing, the majority of people cycling on the pavements at the moment are families with children, thinking they're in the Tour de France, going really slowly, because you can't really go that fast on pavements anyway what with all the curbs and street furniture and all that, so like, why don't they just make them go on the roads instead! That's where children belong right, am I right! And all this documented increase in speeding on the quieter roads will be good to keep the kids and the newbies on their toes! Tell me I'm wrong!
The "cyclists" are ALWAYS on the pavement and it's so bloody illegal! Especially those pavements with hundreds of those mad round blue signs with pictures of a person on a bike and people walking on them. The ones that signify a legally denoted Shared Use Pavement. I mean, the councils in Scotland obviously can't spend any money making dedicated space for people with wheels, because that would take money away from building more roads so that more people can sit in more traffic queues in their cars. So instead of making a cycle network so that people on bikes don't have to ride on the road with cars, they've made all these mad shared use pavements where it is legal for people to cycle. Hold, on did I say pavements... It's mental, but the shared use paths actually make up the MAJORITY of the types of "provision" for "cyclists" that the council in Glasgow has "provided" as a part of it's non-cycle network. I mean it's not even as if people on bikes like the shared use pavements either – they have to ride way slower than is efficient when they have to share with people walking. But people walking hate them too – so thereby... it must be the people on bikes fault! WHY CANT THEY JUST GO ON THE ROAD!!
And another thing, they don't even ring their bells! All the "cyclists" just scourge around ALWAYS ringing their bells at everyone! It's so rude! The other day this militant hippie cyclist was going at the same speed as me when I was walking and said “Good morning, sorry to bother you, but would you step over to the side so that I can come past you real slow, please and thank you so much!” And I was like “WHERE'S YOUR BELL!!” They have no respect whatsoever the "cyclists".
"Cyclists" are the most dangerous thing on our pavements! One time my aunty in Cambridge knew a vicar who's sons postie had a dog who heard a guy in the shop saying that one time a person on a bike rode RIGHT INTO THEIR LEG! Those bloody "cyclists" have to be the most single most dangerous thing on our pavements and all that green transport needs put a stop to. I mean did you know that in the UK 1.05% of fatalities and serious injuries on pavements are caused by people on bikes! Yeah, I read about it that one time in the newspaper! It happened like once in the last few years and the newspapers had it on the front page for weeks! And it's bananas because 98.5% of the fatalities and injuries caused to people on pavements (yes pavements) are caused by motor vehicles - it's a fact! And even though the motor vehicles shouldn't even be on the pavement, the nuttiest thing about it is that it's never in the newspaper because despite the tragedy of it all, it's such a common occurrence!! But anyway, just get those bloody "cyclists" in the bin!! They are clearly the issue because the newspapers said so!
And they ALL do it. They ALL do ALL the bad stuff. Red lights, pavements, scourging. Every single one of them! ALL of them! In the same way as every single person in the whole wide world is left handed with blue eyes and owns a rabbit – EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. OF. THEM. WE MUST BLAME THEM ALL! I mean it's not like we say that ALL people driving cars shouldn't be allowed on the road because SOME of them use their phones while driving and some of them (well actually quite a lot of them actually) break the speed limit. That would just be ridiculous. But get all the "cyclists" off the pavements and roads and paths and put them oh I don't know just put them in the sea or something because THEY ALL do the bad stuff. They're all the bloody same, although all extremely very different from one another, just like all the rest of us.
And they ALL wear lyrca! Every single one of them! Who do they think they are!!! Even that person wearing jeans to cycle their grown up toy to the shops! I bet they've got spandex on underneath their jeans or something because "cyclists" are just so up themselves wearing lycra and they just think they are so important and green. I really don't mind runners or rowers or horse riders or bowlers or swimmers wearing clothing suited to their sport, but those ruddy "cyclists", when they use their bikes for sport and put on their sports clothing it really gets my goat. They must be so entitled all up in their sports specific clothing. HOW VERY DARE THEY!
Oh oh oh, and I forgot this one – THEY. DONT. EVEN. PAY. ROAD. TAX! Not a bloody penny! I mean, nor does anyone else, because our roads are paid for through general taxation and the tax discs on polluting cars are a tax on emissions, but they don't contribute a jot! Yeah, obviously we all, bloody "cyclists" included, pay council tax and PAYE which is what actually pays for the roads, but those "cyclists" who pay all that don't even cause any damage like potholes to the roads! Can you believe it! They contribute as much to the maintenance budgets as everyone else so actually if you think about it, they are probably paying MORE than they should be, especially as you need to use a magnifying glass to find any actual dedicated cycling infrastructure in Scotland that transport budgets have been spent on. And most of the dedicated cycle routes are so badly designed and aren't maintained and aren't signposted so people can't find them, that THEY DONT EVEN USE THEM!! SO obviously, it's all THEIR FAULT! I MEAN, LYCRA! Uuuh BELLS, huhuh SOME OF THEM EVEN CHOOSE NOT TO WEAR HELMETS!!! AND THEY'RE ALWAYS ON THE PAVEMENTS!!!
And I ride a bike too! So I'm not even anti "cyclists"! I mean, I say I ride a bike quite a lot when I have these arguments, and it's weird because if I do actually ride a bike, it seems that I don't understand the desperate lack of cycle network we have, or that cycling on roads can be terrifying, but I'm a “cyclist” too so I must be right!! I can't quite remember where my bike is though. I heard Kaye Adams say that she also rides a bike on her recent biased BBC show about why do all "cyclists" always cycle on all the pavements and so if she says she rides a bike she's clearly also not anti-cyclist. Our mainstream media such as the lovely Kaye have done so well to present “cyclists” as a group of people that exist as some apparent whole – a “cyclist” is always on their bike presumably, even when in a car or sitting watching telly. That's all that they are. The media have also been so great at presenting to us this fictional “group” that it means that we are allowed to hold prejudice against them and basically hate them! Hating people is FUN! And so it's lovely when BBC Scotland hold radio phone in discussions about “cyclists” and they read out around 90% comments of hatred and don't even let anyone from a cycle campaign have their say or actually read out any of the evidence or facts. The best thing is that they often, as in this case, lead with a very longwinded chat with someone like Mr Loophole. He's a top bloke, a lawyer from England (all other Scottish lawyers must have been too busy) who makes a packet out of getting illegal motoring convictions overturned, and therefore contributing to the high rates of injuries that vehicle drivers cause, including on the pavements. He hates "cyclists" but he gets around it by saying that he rides a bike too. WIN! And the best thing about it is that it is just as well that all these people who peddle the hatred don't actually cycle like they claim they do, because if they did they'd experience the increase in dangerous “punishment” driving that commonly happens in the days after a show like that is aired. Good on you BBC and Kaye Adams and the mainstream media for continuing to give us a section of society that it is still ok to love to hate! I ride a bike too (snort)!
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit light headed now and so I really must be getting off for a little rest before I find more facebook and newspaper comments on articles about "cyclists" in which to spread more lack of fact and vent my illogical hatred.
Don't at me!
Yours, Mr Hatey McHateyFace
(BIKE GOB INTERRUPTION) You get the point. And for the avoidance of doubt:
Mixing with motor vehicles on the roads is dangerous and threatening for many people new to riding bikes.
The majority of pavements in our towns and cities are legally designated Shared Use Pavements. They are the minuscule amount of provision for cycling given to people who want to get around on bikes. The best thing we can do to make pavements better for everyone is to push our councils and parliament for dedicated, separated space for cycling and wheeling as a part of a linked up network. Which brings Bike Gob to an important point - we keep being promised more and better cycling infrastructure. We were made grand promises for swift action on mega increases during lockdown. Months later, where is it??!! One stretch of cones and one closed off street aint that! As is always the case, Bike Gob is convinced that Bike Gob will be six foot under a truck before Glasgow has anything resembling a safe network that will get gobs out of their cars and onto active modes of travel. It makes Gob SICK.
People on bikes are so chastised that they often feel as though they can't do anything right. Rather than criticise, let's encourage our new uptake of people potentially using bikes to get around – people making brave journeys that help reduce pollution, congestion, noise, keeping themselves healthier, reducing stress on the NHS, using more local businesses, taking up less space, and making the world a better place. Give them a good old Bike Gob nod.
Yes, some people do break the rules and are inconsiderate. But most people do not. Rule breakers are in a minority and are no way exclusive to cycling. We should not show prejudice towards a perceived group based on the behaviour of a small minority of people.
548 people have been killed on pavements by people driving over the last 13 years. 98.5% of people killed or seriously injured on pavements have been through a collision with a motor vehicle. People who kill others when driving will almost always get their driving licence back at some point. People on bikes are not the issue when it comes to pavement safety.
Really, who cares what someone else is wearing. You don't judge people's clothes choice when they are walking, so why do it when they are cycling. Lycra is a comfortable option when using bikes for sport.
Road tax. It's so old. Don't use an argument unless you've educated yourself about it first.
The media have a grave responsibility for the lives of people on bikes. People working in the media MUST stop peddling hatred and clickbait opinions. Instead, they should publicise facts, evidence, and balance. They must put an end to these awful phone-in shows that serve only to make matters worse for everyone.
Over and out. Much love gobs. x