Bike Gob doesn't much like Christmas. Bike Gob doesn't use a bike bell, yet Christmas rings of the sound of jingle bells, and Bellend Geldof. At Christmas, gobs cut down trees from outside, put them inside their houses for a few weeks and then chuck them outside again in a heap on the street. Gobs get drunk and cycle home (obviously not Bike Gob, oh no not Bog Gipe offisher). Gobs wear gobbing christmas jumpers and gobs say the word tinsel out loud. Gobs spend money they don't have on crap that gobs don't want while other gobs still can't eat. But sometimes, just sometimes, the presents are good. So Bike Gob plays along with the whole charade because Bike Gob has deduced that christmas is not about the baby Jesus in a manger after all. Christmas is all about presents.

So now that the offical month of Christmas has arrived (for it should not be mentioned outwith the month of December), Bike Gob has compiled a helpful list of gift ideas for your bike gob kind if you like that sort of thing.

Helmets To Suit Our Modern Times

The Inflatable Helmet. For those suffering from "cold neck" during the summer months.

The Dumb Hat. For those playing the "you don't pay road tax" game.

The Hat Helmet. For helmet denying eejits.

The Invisible Helmet. For those with the smaller head.

Clothing for Those With A Lack of Self Respect

The Burberry. For the true Glasgwegians.

The Bradley Wiggins Fred Perry. For those unsure what year it is.

The Columbian Women's Team Kit. For the nudist aunties.

Mario Cipollini's Skinsuit. For the deluded.

Accessories For Bikes That Have Everything But Still Need More

The Velosock. For the hipster douchebag in your life.

The Louder Than a Bell Horn. For those insisting on using the ASL box no matter the circumstance.

The Snack Holder. For hungry idiots.

The Balls Protector. For the cocksure forum gobs.

Personalised Gifts

For the drivers.

For those calling themselves "Creatives".

For the awesome.

Ethical Crowdsourced Gifts

The solar bike path. One panel each to be donated per gob and delivered to the home of a pre-agreed hilarious council cycling representative called Frank.

Bikes for people in Africa from Qhubeka, Bike Gob's favourite charity. For those you bought goats for last year.

And finally

A freaking roof for your bicycle.

And for any of Bike Gob's friends reading, Bike Gob would like the following for Christmas please. Because Christmas is not about Jesus. Santa is an anagram of satan, so therefore Christmas is about Bike Gob's presents.

This

these

and this.

Links have been helpfully added by clicking on the pictures because Bike Gob is tekkers. Alternatively you can email Bike Gob your card details and BG can order for you. Thanks and much love.

Now turn those carols off, Bike Gob is off to listen to thrash metal and beat Santa to a pulp.

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