cc: Rona.Mackay.email@example.com; BG's fans
Dearest Mr Humza Yousaf,
Hello there Mr Yousaf sir and a very good day to you! You don't know Bike Gob but Bike Gob knows you and so please allow BG to introduce BG's self. Bike Gob rides BG's bike all over Glasgow and loves to do so but has, as BG's hoards of fans will testify, been known to get pretty pretty hacked off about the sheer lack of decent safe space for gobs on bikes in our city. In order to combat the blinding rage that this can at times result in, Bike Gob believes in a magical place called Unicorn Bike Land and is probably on course to be a rich hot Hollywood director following the success of BG's films such as this one. Bike Gob has lots of famous friends such as BG's big pal, Glasgow's former cycling czar Big Franko Frank McAveety, who BG met through writing letters about things like Glasgow's supposed 'cycling award' and also about this fecking 310 kms of cycle network nonsense that Franko kept rolling off his slippery tongue. But as Frankie has now been rendered surplus to requirements, Bike Gob is looking for a new pal - AND BIKE GOB CHOOSES YOU!!! LUCKY!!!
But don't worry Humza, Bike Gob will be nice, as you actually seem like a pretty pretty cool guy Humza, BG can call you Humza right? You've already kicked things off with your doubling of the Active Travel Budget and plus, your wikipedia page is far less scandalous than Franks is. Oh, and one time right, BG's friend was in Asda, and their little kid dropped their sock out of a push chair, and you were there right, and you saw it and you ran after her and gave her the sock back!!!!! That's the kind of thing decent folk do. And you do funny retweets and say funnies like "literally" on snapchat and you actually do bike rides sometimes and not just when there are camera people around.
So anyway pal, Bike Gob should really get down to brass tacks because although I know you'd like to hang around and chat for an age, there is actually cause for BG to get in touch. And that is this, oh yes, I think you might have guessed it... Political Will. You'll have had information about this tweeted at you by cycling gobs over the last few weeks in relation to the Bearsway and something one of your MSP's in East Dunbartonshire (Strathkelvin and Bearsden) said in a letter regarding why she won't support any further progress on the massively flagship and groundbreaking project to make cycling safe into and out of the city from the north. Another gob called Dave who BG interviewed a while back has put the whole story much better than BG could here but basically without being a grass and naming SNPers not towing the party line, Rona Mackay, ah damn BG's gone and said it, oh well, good old Rona Mackay MSP has listed a bunch of easily fixed essentially 'snagging' issues as a reason for not continuing with the rest of the cycleway and then came right out and said it, with no shame whatsoever, that snagging issues aside, there is just no political will. Um.... POLITICAL WILL!!!!
WHIT!!! Sorry while Bike Gob picks the bottom of Bike Gob's traffic cone up off of the bottom of the pot hole in the painted non compulsory cycle lane BG was riding when BG read that!!!! I mean that is basically like coming out and saying ON PAPER, IN A LETTER, TO AN ACTUAL PERSON, that "I, an SNP MSP will not be pushing in favour of party policy on this, because there are too many entitled shouty people in my constituency who might not vote for me next time if I do, and I rather like my cushy job and pretty decent pay here thank you very much. Eff orf lycra oik."
Pretty unbelievable isn't it Humza. Yeah, that's really not on. As BG knows you know, and has in fact heard you say, making Scotland an active travel nation is going to take some politically brave decisions. And extending a cycle lane that is already partially built (and currently unsafe to enter due to said "partially built" nature) would seem like a pretty obvious place to start with on the politically brave decisions front. So you know, now that we are best buds n all, have a word will you? And please let BG and BG's fans know how you get on.
Thanks and much love,
Your new bestie foreva,
Bike Gob Glasgow
P.S. Write BG. BG is on twitter and facebook and on here. BG also has email.